I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like the feelings are mutual. She is young and beautiful, has a great personality, and just seems intense. V hasn't slept with anybody else since she started working for me, so it's not an option for her to have an affair with me. My wife and kids wouldn't know about this if that were the case -- she has been discreet about our night out together when we worked together last year (which was fine by me). In fact, she told me that "her boss" said they needed to go out because they had too much work to do!
If you love your wife, I think it is only natural that you would want to set a certain example by showing her that she is still in your thoughts, and still a part of your life. Don’t do it to be disrespectful of your wife or to make yourself look better than the other woman (because there wouldn’t be a lot of people outside of yourself who believe that). Be sure that you have thought this through thoroughly because otherwise it will be difficult for you to maintain a good relationship with yourself.
When you fantasise about V don’t stop when you get that dopamine hit, but carry the fantasy on. Imagine the children being shocked and miserable as their world is broken apart; imagine them angry or trying to guilt-trip you well into their adult lives; imagine you trying to make your wife into a bad person to justify your actions; imagine a decade into the future when sex with V is OK (bearing in mind that you’ve been together for 10 years), but there is this new young person at work who is really into you; imagine your kids starting to call your wife’s new husband “Daddy.
During the course of their affair, some people may try to put distance between themselves and their spouse by becoming more distant emotionally. They may even sleep separately if they have made that arrangement specifically for that purpose. As the affair continues, they often start thinking about the practicalities of ending it without too much stress on themselves or their spouses. This can lead to many “good” couples ending things because they feel like they are losing someone they love while they are doing something that is not good for them.
You don’t need dramatics! Affairs don’t just happen to you, you control your behaviour, you are not passive in this. Your emotions can churn away all they like, but you do not have to act on them. Take responsibility to stop this affair going any further. It will hurt to stop this flirtation, that’s OK, you can stand that pain. It’s nothing compared to the destruction of carrying on or of hoping it will just disappear without effort on your part. Don’t act on your churning emotions. When you stop feeding them, they will lessen in time.
Don’t take your feelings about the fantasy seriously! Actively fight to protect yourself from being ruled by them. Laugh about it, preferably together.
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